GOOD ADVICE/BAD GAY is a bimonthly advice series from an anonymous gay therapist* who’s not afraid to hurt your feelings with the truth.
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*This column is meant as a source of advice and entertainment, and should not be considered therapy or medical advice in any way, nor does it establish a therapeutic relationship. If you are seeking either, please look into appropriate venues.
Dear Bad Gay,
Late-twenties cis woman here, been out and bisexual for years. But I haven't actually dated much. For years, it's been a lot of hookups and casual friends with benefits. Recently working on trauma and attachment and being in touch with my feelings. I'm realizing that almost all my passion and love flows toward women and nb people, but I sublimated that desire into intense and possessive friendships (embarrassing at my age!) whilst hooking up indiscriminately and emotionlessly. It felt like I just wasn't that into anybody, but really I was operating out of fear/detachment. It explains a lot.
It's bizarre wanting to love women as well as fuck them, and it’s ABSURD that this is so bizarre to me. In many ways I feel like a late-in-life lesbian... except that I've been out this whole time. I feel like I can't talk to my friends about it because I'm supposed to be beyond this? I'm ashamed of my internalized homophobia. And I'm crushing wildly on any woman who looks my way. I never had a babygay phase but I think I'm in one now. Any words of wisdom?
Thank you!!
Dear Bizarre Bisexual,
To begin with, I have anointed you with Bizarre Bisexual because you broke the first rule of advice columns: You didn’t give me something with which to refer to you. This lack of manners betrays a deeper issue that I will attempt to elucidate as I give you the “wisdom” you seek.
Congrats on being able to sexualize women and NB folks, just like the rest of society. The bad news is that having the ability and desire to fuck women and NB folks is easy. You do not get points for this. I’m happy for you, but no medals are awarded. You place yourself historically in the context of a whole lot of people who can fuck all manner of lesser or less socially acceptable people but find it “bizarre” to think of loving them and building relationships with them.
So, fine. This does not make you bad, but it does require a heavy dose of caution. Unfortunately, for all the work you have done, you have not yet shed the straight sensibility. You are horny for queer people but you have yet to internalize your own queerness, probably because the internalized homophobia is taking up too much space1. You are at the very high risk of turning the folks you fuck into abstractions to fulfill your desires rather than seeing them as whole, complete, and worthy. You do not have to love everyone you fuck, but I would encourage you to try and see the whole existence of the people you can so easily sexualize. I don’t particularly care about the labels—our lifelong, ebbing and flowing ability to sexualize different groups of folks in abstraction isn’t particularly subversive. Be bisexual, be gay, label yourself however you like, but don’t let that label get in the way of honest investigation of how your desires play out on real people.
We often think of ourselves as moving between the place we were and the place we are meant to be. You used to exist in a space of detachment and sublimated desire, you worked on it, and now you find yourself baffled that you are not in the space beyond—happy, released, romping around with the woman you love waving a rainbow flag. This ignores your investment in the thrall of the space between. You are ashamed of your internalized homophobia, you crush “wildly” on any woman that looks your way, and yet, the idea of building a meaningful relationship is baffling. You press your nose to the glass of the fantasized other life you could have and berate yourself for your “bizarre” feelings. You chew on the inability to link your sexual desire and your romance fantasy. This, stated another way, is masturbation.
I think that calling things what they are can sometimes help release us from them. BAD GAY is, of course, not against, flogging ourselves with shame while we masturbate about our own shortcomings, but let’s also make sure we know when we are doing that. Do you actually want to link love and sexual desire, or do think you’re supposed to?
There are also ghosts haunting this letter. I hear the whispers of socialization and parenting—all of the “supposed tos” in the background. The people you have hurt, too, are here, the grappling with detachment while you fuck your way through and work it all out. I guess my advice is this: Masturbate about your own absurdity all you want, desire all you want, fuck brazenly but wisely, and remember that we are all working out different inheritances, so be kind, and only unkind when people ask for it specifically.
Yours truly,
Bad Gay
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For this edition, funds go to For the Gworls, a Brooklyn-founded org that hosts parties to fundraise to help Black trans people pay for their rent and gender-affirming surgeries.
Thank you for your continued support. We’re all in this together, so let’s act like it!
David tweets at @k8bushofficial.
Inside you are two wolves… (Ed.)
GOOD ADVICE/BAD GAY #7: bisexual problems