What do you do with your fear? I won’t list all the things there are for us to be afraid of, because you already know them, from your intimate terrors, to our ambient nightmares, to that which doesn’t have anything to do with you personally, but nevertheless keeps you up at night. How do you live with it all? How do you live with yourself while living with it?
Sometimes I remember the things that used to scare me. Meditating on the former limits of my knowledge and imagination remind me that little about me has changed, or will change. I’m a blip, and even a blip can take heart in impermanence. The perspective is soothing.
Here is a list of what I was afraid of at 3, 4, and 5 years old:
Blue jays
Roosters
Geese
Our neighbors’ dogs
Green racer snakes
Needles
Tornadoes (from watching The Wizard of Oz [1939])
Eye contact
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
Bathrooms
Electric fences
Most other children
Sundresses
My dad
I’m not afraid of most of these things anymore, certainly not in an active way (although a few weeks ago, I did get simultaneous tornado and flood warnings when Hurricane Ida breezed past Brooklyn). Even the fears that I’ve retained from back then—dogs and bathrooms, namely—have changed enough that they’re essentially different.
Unfortunately, among my many new fears is nihilism, the evil twin of this perspective exercise. What do I do with this fear? How do I live with it? Will let you know if I figure it out.
David tweets at @k8bushofficial. Read the earthquake room. Keep reading DAVID to find out when their second novel, X (Catapult, 2022), is available for preorder.
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