Good Advice from a BAD GAY

Introducing DAVID's first guest columnist

Back in the early 90s, when it was my turn to read the funny pages, Dear Abby and Ask Ann Landers always came before Dagwood and Garfield. Sometimes there was Miss Manners or Emily Post, if I was lucky. I had my preferences (the etiquette columns were less relatable; the only person I knew who cared how linen napkins were folded was my grandmother), but ultimately it didn’t really matter. Any advice column would do.

I’m a creature of habit and a critter of order, and I always have been. As a child, the advice column suggested that there was a universal and iron-clad set of rules that, if one only knew and abided by them, could eliminate the human error that led to awkward and even painful social interactions. I’ve grown out of that suspicion, but I still love the form: short stories where morbid curiosity, smug judgment, schadenfreude, and, occasionally, the milk of human kindness come together in a rat king of voyeurism and psychological projection. Through advice columns we bear a bite-size witness the chaos of intimacy while taking on none of the risk (don’t worry, I’m a proponent of appropriate risk). There’s really no better way to start your day.

Over the years, I’ve remained a regular consumer of advice columns, all of which now exist online at places like Ask Polly, Dear Coquette, and Dear Prudence (hosted by the smooth-talking Danny Lavery, king of the optimized T injection). Then there’s the gay advice market, which in 2020 is saturated…with goodness! The almighty Maddy Court of the ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is my ex-wife fame now has a newsletter chock-full of dating advice and photos of gay babies. Daemonumx, Daddy of kinky & polyam advice-seekers, has made it official over at Autostraddle with insights specifically for polyamorous people and concerns. ¡Hola Papi! lives on in newsletter form, still as funny and thoughtful as it was at them.us. Shit, Crissle and Kid Fury have been answering listener letters on The Read since 2013.

Gay advice isn’t just for Dan Savage anymore—now we have homos doling it out all over the place. God knows we need it. As a population known for our passion, our yearning, our lust for life (read: our codependence and messiness and trauma-born impulsivity), we’re a target audience for Big Advice Column for a reason.

Which brings me to why I’m writing to you today. Because while there are a lot of excellent advice-givers out there, my gay little friends, I’ve yet to come across the specific intersection of gay advice from a gay therapist—and not just any gay therapist, but a gay therapist liberated from the constraints of professional ethics and personal niceties to give you the straightest talk a queer can give. My friends, it is my pleasure to introduce you to the newest homosexual advice columnist.

BAD GAY and I go way back. Since college, we’ve been judging the behavior of the queers around us, which we’ve justified by also judging our own behavior, though usually not until we’ve already gone ahead and done the ill-advised thing for which we deserve to be judged. Now a therapist, BAD GAY’s often very good advice has acquired even more gravity. We know that therapists and shrinks aren’t in the business of advice-giving, exactly, but BAD GAY’s has always been so good, and their delivery so funny and thoughtful, that we began to kick around the idea of them joining me here on DAVID to share it with you.

Now, before I invite you to submit your gay requests for advice, I must warn you: BAD GAY is bound by their personal moral code, but that doesn’t mean they’re afraid to hurt your feelings with the truth. That’s why they’re here: to be real with you. (The only time this bitch minces is when they walk). I hear gay people complain all the time about how they wish their therapists would be brutally honest with them. Well, you got the monkey’s-paw fingering you asked for. BAD GAY is more Dr. Laura Schlesinger than Dr. Frasier Crane (though unlike Dr. Laura, BAD GAY has a real degree). Do they want to help you resolve the problems affecting your happiness? Absolutely. But they’re not going to pull any punches. It’s for your own good—thus the anonymity. Like Batman.

Still think you’re brave enough to hear the truth? Now’s your chance to submit yourself for BAD GAY’s judgment.

Got a gay problem? Queer issue? Bi bugbear? Thinking about sleeping with your roommate, uhauling with your boss, or ignoring your new boo’s weird chaser energy? Write to BAD GAY at badgayadvice@gmail.com and then hit that subscribe button for super-special access that non-subscribers will only get the occasional taste of.

Not only do subscribers get to read all of BAD GAY’s good advice but they’ll be supporting a great cause: 100% of subscription funds will go to mutual aid projects. For our first BAD GAY, your funds will go Whose Corner Is It Anyway, organized by the incredible Caty Simon. WCIIA is a Western MA mutual aid, harm reduction, political education, and organizing group led by stimulant and opioid using low-income, survival, or street-based sex workers, and with our first pandemic winter approaching, its work is more important than ever.

So. Can you handle the truth? Submit and find out.

David tweets at @k8bushofficial.