What I want to say or do when confronted in a bathroom

“I will kill you.”

• “I will kill you.” Done with the right kind of deadpan, this is the funniest thing you could say under the circumstances.

• “I will fuck your husband.” If I haven’t already!

• “Wanna see my cunt?” Asking this as a means of offering “proof” only reaffirms their logic, but asking this an act of sexual aggression (that they implicitly asked for, by the way) is great.

• Hold eye contact while peeing my pants. A last resort since this one actually inconveniences you, but the catharsis appeals to me. It seems that most doctors and scientists, even ones that are trans-informed, haven’t cottoned on to one environmental reason why trans people are more prone to health issues like UTIs: a lot of us are afraid or unable to use public bathrooms.

• Look around with confusion with my eyebrows screwed up like Jim Carrey, then point at myself, mouthing, “Who, me?” I’m imagining her getting increasingly frustrated as you meander around the bathroom pointing at random stuff—other people, empty stalls, your reflection in the mirror.

• The Jojo Siwa seppuku dance. Karma’s a b*tch and so am I.

• “Do you have a moment to hear about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?” There’s an argument for having some JW literature or Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health on your person while out and about.

• “Do you when you you you when you when when wheeen when when you—”

• Pull her hair. I think violence is appropriate in a lot of situations, including this one. Sometimes more extreme measures are called for, but getting your hair pulled is so demeaning, and there’s something about the way it’s gendered as something done between women that just does it for me. I’m more of a woman than you ever will be, bitch!

• “You aint even the 💨” I don’t know.

• “Okay, ugly.” Short, sweet, and to the point.

If you have a few dollars to spare, please help Omar and his family evacuate Gaza. Every life is priceless.

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