GOOD ADVICE/BAD GAY #3
On being exoticized
GOOD ADVICE/BAD GAY is a bimonthly advice series from an anonymous gay therapist* who’s not afraid to hurt your feelings with the truth.
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*This column is meant as a source of advice and entertainment, and should not be considered therapy or medical advice in any way, nor does it establish a therapeutic relationship. If you are seeking either, please look into appropriate venues.
Dear Bad Gay,
Should I stop dating white people? In January I started seeing this white cis queer girl who had zero experience in kink. I agreed to give a 101 intro because she was hot and seemed to have very good communication. We played well but things started to go south when she began referring to her white cis straight boy FWB’s (or partners?) as “kind of queer” and attributing “big daddy vibes” to vanilla straights (we are polyamorous). It annoyed the fuck out of me so I wrote her a letter explaining what being a leatherdyke meant to me and historicized the term queer for her. She didn’t take it well, offered zero engagement (not even a response) and we broke things off.
I recently found she had drafted a list of reasons she should date me and not her friend (who I was talking to as well). She listed wanting to orient herself with BDSM and improving her Spanish as her top two reasons. I’m furious about it and can’t seem to let it go. Is it my mistake for fucking with a newbie? Are all white people this entitled?
I can’t shake off the feeling that I was exoticized as a Latinx leatherdyke and used—and I’m angry she got away with it. How do I call someone in for this behavior? Is it even worth it?
From,
Pissed Off Leather Dyke
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For this edition, funds go to the Okra Project, a collective that seeks to address the global crisis faced by Black Trans people by bringing home cooked, healthy, and culturally specific meals and resources to Black Trans People. In May, 2020 the Okra Project launched the Nina Pop and Tony McDade Mental Health Recovery Funds, which provide one-time free therapy to Black Trans people.
David tweets at @k8bushofficial.
*For writing and resources about kink, leather, and BDSM by and for people of color, might I suggest Dolly Rose’s newsletter or DommeNation, the new podcast about BDSM that focuses on the lived experiences of Black & Brown folks involved in the community.*